Scar Painting.

My first tablet painting. YAY paintshop + tablets!

Oh EM GEE! >.>

before i go to bed i have to tell this story, i just thought of it….

ok so some crazy religious nut came to our house yesterday and i wanted to pop her one in the mouth.

gabe and i were in the garage… and i was cleaning, not minding much around me, stereo blasting. gabe was working on my car so he was down and out of sight. this lady comes tromping down the drive way and INTO the garage, showing me this catalogue book and telling me how it’s going to do this and that for the church and blah blah blah.. i told her i was sorry but i wasn’t interested.

she wouldnt take no for an answer. gabe heard me bickering with this lady and stood up to see what the commotion was… he walked over to where we were at yet she kept on trying to sell me something. i was getting highly annoyed and find just walked off towards the front of the house before i popped her one because she just wasnt getting the hint… she tried to follow me but gabe stopped her, stepped in her path and told her that he suggested she move along, her welcome was worn out… and guess what? she had the balls to try to sell HIM something!

he told her no, he wasn’t christian and he wasn’t interested but if she insisted…. he was sure he could sell her a belt in the mouth from his wife. she got quite flustered and didnt know what to say… then finally said “oh… i see then… have a good day.” and left!

MY HERO!!! LOL

downward spiral.

i did my best to go to bed kind of early last night cause i was exhausted… but it did not last long when i only sleep 4 hours before i wake up in tears from terrible nightmare…& i cannot go back to sleep… i tried to snuggle up to gabe & go back to sleep but all i could was think… about every thing… all my friends who are ill & hurting… gabe’s mum… my daddy.. all the so-called friends i have, why do i bother with them & those true loyal ones… & how they are doing. worry about my appearance & worry what those who i love think of me truly… i worry about gabriel’s health & about his depression… i know i should not because i am here for him but i worry. i have not feel well for ages now… my health & my depression only seem to get worse & worse…. the depression especially, my wisdom teeth are killing me as well though. i am so tired of feeling this way & i know it is so tiring to hear cause so many people say this in their blogs…. & so many constantly blog about how terrible they feel & how depressed they are… but i never mean it like that & never mean it in a way to get attention. i guess this is one of the only outlet i have to get it off my brain. i do not constantly try to whinge, say i want to leave and act sad out of the want to have people to tell me to stay, i just… go away for awhile sometimes… i do not want to bring anyone down.. i bring myself down enough. i just want to have a more normal life…. sleep when i am tired & get up & act normal when i am awake instead of crying & moping & whining… i notice i talk certain people about my depression all the time & feel bad i do, feel like i am dumping on them… just wish someone knew how i feel… just wish i knew someone who related instead of telling me it will get better…. i feel alone, even when i am around people, people who love me even… i hate this.

I feel cursed.

ok so here i sit mid mornin… depressed, legs hurting, crying for ABSOLUTELY no reason and having a tooth ache… i am a MESS!

i need vicodin and bed, sleep it off maybe lol yeah riiight

Caution: Religious Rant

I recently had someone randomly add me on Yahoo from my old dead Mash page, who said he thought I was awesome and loved my attitude, wanted to be friends. So I figured it was okay, and we started talking and he was cool for the first couple days, we were getting on swimmingly… til a few nights later, his true colours shown. We were discussing our likes and dislikes, and it came up that I’m an hardcore believer in the paranormal and have many experiences and some might even say gifts. His reply was, depends on what you think they are (referring to ghosts). What they are? Yes, I believe they’re purple demons from the ninth portal of Hell here to suck the souls from the innocent while they sleep. *rolls eyes* What do you mean what they are? This evolved into some hugely religious rant on his part about Jesus and Christianity, to which I replied – Great for you, but I’m not Christian. Not being sarcastic, at all.

I’m truly a believer in everyone has a right to believe what they want, as long as they are kind and respect others. However, soon after this and I explained my religion – explained my being a witch, which was ALL over my Mash page to begin with. He said something along the lines of yes I believe something similar, in reference to believing in the creator of all things. I told him, yes but I’m not Christian, however more power to you. He asked me what I believe in, God wise, I told him… my God is not a God at all, but a Goddess and she is the mother of all things. He seemed to shut up for a bit, then brought it up again, more or less saying that I was young and that I would grow up and realise that Christianity was the right and only way. This was actually rather offensive because he seemed somewhat okay with the fact I had different beliefs at first, and I was not in any way offensive to him about his beliefs whatsoever. I only stated ever in any of the conversations his beliefs were not mine, but I respected his right to believe what he wanted.

This went on for several days, he would randomly bring up God, Jesus, Christianity… in conversations and interject them in a way to attempt to convince me to become Christian. I finally asked him one day, “Are you trying to convert me?” He says, “It would be great if you did.” That doesn’t fly with me, I respect and love everyone but do not appreciate religion being crammed down my throat when I’ve done nothing to warrant it. Growing up the daughter of a minister, I understand the idea of spreading the word but as soon as someone says “I’m sorry but it’s not for me.” STOP PREACHING. It’s not very Christian to continue to go on and push and push and push your opinion on yours. Jesus did not teach people to harass and hate in his name and even as someone who is NOT Christian, it is offensive and unbelievable these people push and push and then say it’s God’s will when they tell and call you horrid things because you won’t heed to their demands of conversion.

Yesterday, I was talking to this man and he said he was going to see a movie over the weekend and I replied that I hadn’t seen any advertised that I wanted to see besides Prince Caspien. He goes, “NARNIA????” I said yes. He goes off about how the stories are about Christianity and the Aslan is a representation of Jesus, yadda yadda. I simply replied, Yes, I know all about them, I’ve read the books. I just choose to ignore the religious undertone and take it as face value – a wonderful fantasy novel. He continued to tell me “Ohhh, CS Lewis wrote the books in an attempt to spread the love of Christ and honour all that God had done in his life.” So on and so forth. I said, yes and that’s wonderful but I choose to ignore it. It’s not my religion, it’s holds no spiritual value for me. Just beautifully written entertainment. He got huffy to this and told me that he was blocking me because he couldn’t handle talking to someone who wasn’t Christian. That he had to “protect Christ and his beliefs” from the likes of me… and that he needed a few days to “think about talking to me anymore”.

This really pissed me off to be honest. After all the respect I had given him and his beliefs in an attempt to put things aside and talk to him one and one as a person. I never once brought up religion, it was always him. I don’t take kindly to people witnessing to me, and trying to convert me when I’ve already said thanks but no thanks. I told him exactly what I thought.

You know, I’m rather hurt by this. You are the one who brought it up, if you can’t type to me without trying to convert me, that’s not my fault. I’ve been very kind about it. So whatever you do, so be it but I’m content where I am. I don’t see whats so hard about allowing someone to be content without cramming a personal opinion on them.. when you get along fine otherwise. That is not my malfunction, not once have i insisted or imposed my beliefs on you at all and never will. Only ever stated your beliefs were not for me. I personally find it repulsive as the daughter of a Christian minister that you cannot find it in your heart to talk to someone even if they are different – to hate, dislike or scold someone for being different is very UNCHRISTIAN to do. If you are so hellbent on pushing Jesus, why don’t you listen to him in the first place – love thy neighbour. I know a hell of a lot more about Christianity than you probably think. So I bid you goodbye unless you change your mind and decide to be kind, open minded and a true Christian.

I don’t think I was nasty in the least, I don’t think I was disrespectful, nor do I think I was dramatic in the least. However, at first he blocked me… and I sent him that on his IM, then on his page because I figured he had blocked me and wouldn’t see it so I made sure he did. So once I stuck it on his page, he IMed me again sniveling about how it wasn’t my fault and how it was his own immaturity but he couldn’t hang around “someone like me”. That I was a nice girl but he couldn’t talk to me right now because I couldn’t accept his views.

Now how did I ever NOT accept his views? I never once told him he couldn’t believe that or disrespect or insult his religion in any way. I cannot, my father is a Christian minister, I was raised in that religion but it was my choice and my choice alone to change, to find something more suiting to my spirituality and I love everyone of all religion. I have quite a few Christians on my list, and they are the kind, loving, open-minded sorts that are true good-hearted Christians. They do things the way Jesus intended them to. To love people and be kind to their fellow man. Not vengeful, hateful and using God’s name to justify it.

Well apparently he did NOT see the comment I left on his page until today. He left me a nasty email about how I’m dramatic and a bitch by bringing all sorts of trouble and drama to his page and how it was unneccesary and so on and so forth. Then CLOSES his page, telling everyone someone is harassing him. Um, delete the comment and go on with life? I think the one closing their page and broadcasting that he’s being harassed by some heathen God hater is being more dramatic than my one comment about how he was being a dick to me first. I do not disrespect anyone and I really find it absolutely repulsive that someone who calls themselves Christian would act in this behvaiour then call ME disrespectful and dramatic. That life is too short for MY ANGER and drama. LOL I’m not angry, I’m disappointed and rather offended when people are so rude.

I’ve been steaming of this idiots stupidity all day. I had to rant about it, because I know those on my blog list would understand. I lose a little more faith in humanity everyday. People like this just make me sad for the future of the world…. those who can’t just love people for people and not be pushy and on their soap box all the time. Why can’t we all just get along and love one another? Sigh!

For Des — My Beautiful Fiance.

There is a beautiful woman I know,

She makes my heart beat so fast
With every thought of her, I glow,
Because I know our love will last.

My dreams, when I slumber, are all of her
I awaken each morning with the biggest smile
I wonder, before her, of what my dreams were
Matters not now, she’s all that’s worthwhile

Her beauty, the stars could never compare
Her laughter makes sunshine seem pale
Whenever I see her I can’t help but stare
When making me happy, she never does fail

I miss her so much when we don’t see one another,
I sit and I pine, like a little lost pup
When all that I want is to snuggle and smother
That ache when she’s gone, makes me always choke up

Whenever she’s here, she makes me so giddy
Like a silly little girl with many good treats
Never has anyone made me feel so pretty
Her kisses and hugs are better than sweets.

She knows things about me that I wouldn’t tell you
She’s inside my mind and inside my heart
I trust her with every secret so true
Nothing will ever tear us apart

She is my princess, she is my kitten
With fiery red hair and gorgeous blue eyes,
She has me quite smitten
She is caring, funny and ever so wise

This woman of mine, I’ll never let go
She’s my partner in crime, in every endeavour
We’ll dance in the rain and play in the snow
Through each of the seasons, we’ll be together forever.

Daddy…

Since the one year anniversary of my father’s death is coming up and I really don’t know how i feel about it… I wanted to reflect on something i wrote in another diary shortly after he passed last year.
My beautiful girlfriend and my wonderful Daddy have been such a part in making me feel better in the past few days… I don’t know what I would do without them being there for me right now. D has listened to me whine for hours, been there to distract me and make me smile and Gabe has done the same. Hugged me and let me cry on him for hours… and never one complaint… i love you both more than any words can express.

I know many of you have Gabriel on your friends list but for those who don’t… he wrote the most beautiful blog about my father… and here’s a part of it.

Maksim had a big heart, I never had the pleasure of meeting him and shaking his hand for bringing such an angel into this world as without my Sara, I would be nothing. All the stories I’ve ever heard about him, all I can think is he really was a modern day saint. Doing everything in his power to make life better for everyone else and unfortunately as a result, letting his own health go downhill because he was so selfless in his actions… everyone else meant more and he never did much for himself. He was only in his mid-60s and that’s far too early. My beautiful lady is only 21 years old and I am completely heartbroken that she’s lost her father this young… I had mine until I was 38, and that even seemed too young. The fates are far too cruel….

made me cry… i never expected anything like that. i guess i feel somewhat alone in my grief despite being surrounded by brilliant friends… and every friend that i have that has stuck by me like a true friend, i love you with all my heart. you guys are what really keeps me going… i will be somewhat scarce in the future, as i really don’t feel i belong here a lot… i really can’t go into why but… maybe that will change.

I don’t know what to do with myself much lately… and we sat my little Rose down and told her that papa had passed on. She was upset but she seemed more concerned with how I was. I went to go lay down shortly after we told her and she came upstairs and brought me stuffed animals and told me they would make me feel better, and she kept bringing them… by the end of the morning, I must have had 30 stuffed animals on the bed with me before I was done. Finally she came in with her doll Polly, now she’s been very possessive of Polly since she was very small and nobody touches Polly, she’s very protective of this doll and she brings her to me and sits Polly on the bed with me and says “here mum… Polly needs to be with you now more than me.”

Then this morning… she came upstairs with a muffin and a glass of milk, and said “Mum please eat.” and i told her i was sorry but I wasn’t hungry and she pushed the plate closer to me and said “Mum… pleaaaase eat.” and i said no sweetie i can’t i’m just not hungry… and she started crying and said “Mum, you have to eat…. you have to eat or you’ll get sick and go away like papa did.” ….broke my heart… I choked back some tears and ate the muffin so she would stop worrying, despite it not staying down but she didn’t know that… she was content in knowing I ate it. sigh.

People keep telling me to move on and life goes on and it’s all going to be ok but sometimes I don’t think it will be….

Random but….

I had two big glasses of orange juice a few minutes ago & a big plate of facon & I feel good.

Now only if I could sleep… I’d be golden.

Gods, I hate insomnia….

You know you’re Russian when….

I know most of you won’t get this but I’m ROTFL over this!!!!

1. You had to share a room until you were 21.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the airport.
4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party – and think it s normal.
5. All your children have nicknames, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
6. You know someone with 20 kids
7. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone’s house.
8. You can fit 10 people into a civic
9. Your parents never throw anything away and if you by some chance manage to get something to make it to the garbage can… it mysteriously appears back where it was again.
10. You have lace curtains.
11. You have lace tablecloths.
12. You have or had rugs on your walls.
13. Your mom tells you you’re too skinny even though your 30 pounds overweight.
14. Girls can’t have boyfriends when they are 17 but they have to be married at 18.
15. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think but they won’t let you do certain things because of what other ‘brat’ya’ and ’sestri’ will think.
16. You or your relatives have at least five gold teeth in their mouth.
17. Either you or 40 of your relatives drive a civic, eclipse, camry, bmw or accord.
18. Your car windows are tinted twice the legal limit.
19. Going over 100 mph is routine.
20. You’re driving on 2 tickets and don’t remember what your license looks like.
21. You’ve been driving without a license for 2 years.
22. You say “lets meet at 9″, you actually mean “I’ll wake up at 9, take a shower, eat, watch tv and meet you at 12″.
23. You stand around in circles of friends for an hour deciding what to do.
24. After leaving a restaurant, it actually means you’re going outside to the parking lot to talk for another hour.
25. Your uncle/dad fixes cars from the auction.
26. You drive a car bought from an auction. (which u will later sell and make a hefty profit off of unsuspecting American buyers).
27. You know your a new Russian immigrant if you wear church shoes with jeans, shorts, or slacks… while playing volleyball.
28. You know you are a new Russian immigrant if you tuck your shirt in your shorts.
29. At least 5 of your relatives are named Volodia, Yura, Olya, Oksana, Nataliya or Tanya
30. All of your CDs are burned, or u bought them at a Bazar for 2 bucks a piece.
31. You can make Perogis in 18 different flavors.
32. You get kicked out of every go kart, theme park, and anything potentially dangerous.
33. When you work at construction site.
34. You have five leather jackets and matching gloves.
35. You keep your stash of cash under your mattress instead of a savings account.
36. Twelve of your friends get into a movie with only one ticket.
37. Your house is full of foreign medicine that is probably illegal here.
38. You sing at every party you go to.
39. Your mom recycles plastic cups and plastic plates, and sandwich bags by washing them.
40. You don t know how to use a dishwasher.
41. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
42. Your dad has butchered a pig or lamb.
43. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
44. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils.
45. You eat bread with everything.
46. You start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka
47. You have a fake Movado because you can’t afford a real Rolex.
48. You know more than 30 Olgas, Annas, Natashas, and Vikas
49. Lifting a cigarette while drinking coffee counts as an exercise.
50. Everyone you know has a ruchka of smirnoff in their trunk.
51. You are somehow related to most of the people you know
52. On the weekends your place of residence is the pool hall, and every 10 mins the tolstii pon’chik tells you to pick up line 2
53. Every sentence you say or hear starts with “blyat” and ends with “nahuy”
54. Your blood has a permanent vodka content level, no matter you have been drinking or not
55. Your uncle is in the Russian Mafia or is a former employee of the KGB

You’re proud to be Russian – and you pass these jokes on to all your Russian friends!

Just lol…